How to Stop Fighting About Money: A Couple’s Guide to Peaceful Financial Planning

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. – George Bernard Shaw

Most of us try to avoid uncomfortable conversations. And if we find ourselves in the middle of one, we might skim over the topic instead of dive in deeper. For better or worse, healthy relationships depend on open and honest communication. Money matters especially can add stress to a relationship if they aren’t handled appropriately. That’s why regular dialogue between a couple about their financial goals is necessary for a peaceful relationship and rewarding life.

Here are a few ways to keep the lines of communication open when making financial decisions as a couple.

Understand each other’s priorities. 

For any plan to work, financial or otherwise, it should be centered on what’s most important to the people involved. Vocalizing your priorities as individuals lays the groundwork for a financial plan that works for everyone.

Sit down together and discuss your short and long-term ideas for:

• Budgets
• Work/life balance
• Family goals
• Career goals
• Discretionary income
• Retirement

Any time you have a discussion about personal priorities that affects financial planning, write. them. down. 

Like Mr. Shaw implies in his quote, sometimes we think we’ve been clear, but who can remember in exact detail what they said a year or two ago? Keep a record of what you and your significant other agree on. A simple list jotted down on a notepad can help stave off future disagreements.

Be able to win, lose and compromise.

Compromise means both people make concessions on their own desires to reach an agreement. This is certainly one part of working together as a couple to plan your finances. 

But it might surprise you to hear it’s also important to get what you want. If every aspect of your financial plan is a concession to some degree, that’s not fair to either person. There should be instances where each of you work towards exactly what’s important to you. Be flexible so you can both get what you want, knowing you’ll have to give up something important to you. Making sacrifices together can help make your bond stronger.

Set new goals together.

Once you both determine your priorities as individuals, think about setting a few new goals that are unique to you as a couple. Maybe you’d like to save for a month-long trip to Europe, or you’d like to own a second home in a different state. Or, maybe you want to start a business together. Setting goals together is another way to strengthen your bond and make you feel like a team.

Meet regularly to go over your financial status.

People and circumstances change over time so priorities will shift. It’s wise to check back with each other on a regular basis to review aspects of life that impact financial planning. It could be once a year or even every six months.

Sit down and review your list of priorities together. Has anything changed? Did unexpected circumstances affect future planning? Life is unpredictable and always evolving—it’s time well spent assessing how the ebbs and flows of day-to-day living affect your plan.

And when it comes to making decisions about certain dollar amounts, do it together. Specificity is your ally in setting a plan for finances with your partner. Together, determine how much money you’d like to set aside for things like your children’s education, financial target for retirement, even down to your weekly budget for groceries. Clarity and consensus will keep you on track.

Financial planning is a team sport.

Down the road, a couple may decide to work with a financial advisor. Sometimes it’s easier to have only one person attend these meetings, especially if you need to take time off from work or secure childcare. But there’s no way around it—you should meet with an advisor together. Both individuals bring value to the relationship and have your own perspectives to share. It also protects against someone feeling like they’re ‘in the dark’ about the couple’s financial situation.

You could even make it a date night! If you both need to cut out of work early or line up childcare anyways, take time to celebrate your healthy financial decisions with a nice meal out or coffee together afterwards.